As I drove home last night from the bar at which I spent New Years Eve, I let Coldplay play loud out of my speakers. My corolla's small interior heated up quickly against the cold air swirling outside. Inside, Chris Martin's voice sang about life, lessons, love, memories, and all those other softhearted topics that make you want to hit the repeat button over and over. That the world around me had been transformed into a crystaline winter wonderland only helped to enhance the mood of tranquility, nostalgia and - most importantly - possibility.
I like to think that 2010 holds new possibilities for me. I very much hope I am not wrong in my assumption. The only thing I have on my calendar thus far is a trip to Spain in March. I bought the tickets on a whim in November - my first step in this personal endeavor to propel my life forward. It's a ten day trip, and I haven't booked any rooms yet, or planned an itinerary. I promised myself I wouldn't let myself worry about the money or planning involved until after the holidays. Well, the holidays are come and gone, so starting tomorrow, I get to allow the anxiety to take over.
I have a lot to be anxious about, trip planning aside. I am constantly on the hunt for employment, not to mention the internal argument I've been holding with myself about going back to school. My recent LSAT score came in too low for me to feel that that pursuit is worth trying for - at least for now. So now I've moved on to other areas of concern, a teaching certificate being one of them. In the sate of Massachusetts, gaining a teachers liscence is just about equal to a Doctorate in Partical Physics.
The bottom line of my anxiety is that I know I've been handed a golden opportunity in my young life. I have the ability to do anything, anything at all. And I feel that I'm wasting it fast. By the time of my trip in March, it will have been 9 months without employment. With each month that passes, I feel more and more that I've wasted this opportunity. That I've been hearing that same sentiment from others does nothing to encourage me forward. I can't shake the soul crushing feeling that I've failed myself.